I'm not fickle am I?
by Erm the Penguin
Summary: The Scanran war is over and Kel is free to go home at last, but when she gets there she realizes that love really is something she has to deal with. (mostly entries from her diary, just to warn you...)
1. December 30, 456

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Disclaimer: I, the humble penguin, Erm, own NOTHING, got that? nothing...except for the plot, which I hope and pray someone didn't get to before I thought of it. Other than that, I own nothing...oh yeah...when I get to him, Darryn (whose name is subject to change) is mine.

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A/N: I finally got the italics and stuff to work. Joy. Rapture. Thanks much to MusicMagelet for her awesome help with the formatting. It was being very uncooperative.

Oh yeah, here's the story: this entry is while Kel is in her first year as a Squire, but the rest of the story is set the year after she becomes a Knight... -

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December 14, 2003:

I'm sorry to all of you who had read this before…I ended up re-uploading the entire thing so I could get rid of ONE stinkin chapter…since we're not supposed to have author's notes as an entire chapter any more… stupid people… just so you know, I have no idea when I'm going to finish this…perhaps over Christmas break I will have time _and_ motivation to finish it at last, but don't count on it, since I really have no idea where its going… alright, so if you've read it before, I'm sorry to disappoint you that there aren't any new chapters up… but for those who haven't read it yet… have fun… (oh, and disregard all comments to people who reviewed…you won't be able to go and see what they wrote, because its GONE! much sadness…) 

I'm not fickle...am I?

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December 30, 456

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I can't believe I'm actually writing in this thing. Lalasa gave it to me for Midwinter and told me that it would help if I wrote things out. I think she's been hanging around those awful gossipy court ladies down at her dress-shop. I mean, really-me? Keep a diary?? You've got to be kidding me. After all, I am the great, practical Keladry-whose-feet-couldn't-possibly-be-more-firmly-stuck-to-the-ground!

Well, this isn't doing anything wondrous for me. I'm going to go talk to Peachblossom or something.

Well...what do you think? I know, I know, it's the first chapter and, to be completely honest, it stinks, right? Just wait. It'll get better...(I hope!) Just do me a really huge favor and review...please? Hey-I'm begging here. Be nice and click the pretty little button...the penguins will thank you for this!

~ Erm the Penguin ~ 


	2. New Hope Refugee Camp: May 1, 461

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Disclaimer: once again, I own nothing except for the plot and any characters that you don't recognize. Everything else belongs to the wonderful Tamora Pierce (who I am most definitely NOT).

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A/N: yes, I know. It's boring. Hang in there. I actually have some idea where this is going.

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New Hope Refugee Camp: May 1, 461

Hello old thing. I have no idea why I packed you but I had this sudden urge to pour out everything. It's been so long. I can hardly recognize that single entry as being from myself. How young and naïve I was. Still Squire to the Commander of the Kings Own. And now look at me—finally Lady Knight. Commander of the refugee camp of New Hope. Protector of the Small. I don't deserve any of it—the songs, the tales, the titles. Deep down I'm just plain, simple Kel, picking fights after dinner with bullies.

I'm having trouble believing that the war with Scanra is over. King Maggot is gone and New Hope is disbanding. Or, rather, its no longer a refugee camp, but, since the former refugees refuse to leave, they're turning it into a town centered around the fort.

King Jonathan is calling all of his Knights home from the border. I was packing when this slipped out of my bag and I had a sudden mad desire to write something down. Neal is running in and out with a crazy grin on his face, muttering things about how he's finally going to be able to see Yuki again. Lucky him. He has someone to go home to…

Home. I'm finally going home. 

Kel smiled wistfully as she tucked the small book back into her bag, blew out the candle and crawled into bed. She was really going to miss this place. Quiet snores from the others reached her ears and she grinned - that was one thing she would *not* miss. But sleep, for Kel at least, did not come so easily and the Lady Knight stared at the dark ceiling for a long time before sleep finally claimed her.

Ok…so how was chapter two? Please tell me….I'm really new at this and need all the confidence from you nice people that I can get….so do me a favor and review…

~ Erm the Penguin ~


	3. Mindelan: May 3, 461

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Disclaimer: (this is getting kind of old, don't you think?) the usual: I own nothing. Happy now?

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A/N: I forgot to say this before: thanks to Meg for giving me a good idea for a penname, and especially to Amina (the great Nim'loki herself) for believing in me and making me keep writing. Oh yeah, and A, my name is NOT Bobby Jo, I am NOT blonde and I don't chew on wheat…although the dictionary in my back pocket was pretty accurate. Now take your own advice and keep on writing! How are Spike and George, by the way?

I'm not fickle…am I?

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Mindelan: May 3, 461

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I felt like stopping to visit my old home before returning to the palace. Neal, being impatient to see Yuki again went by a different, more direct route. He took Merric with him. So it's just me, Tobe and Peachblossom here at Mindelan. We're planning to take it easy and go the long way back to Corus. 

Kel leisurely pulled her feet out of the stream and looked around her.

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There are so many memories here. I'm sitting five feet away from the place where I fought my first spidren…and if I turn around I can just make out the tower that Conal held me off of. I'm half expecting to turn a corner and run into a ghost of myself – a little ten year old with a black eye who just overheard her sisters-in-law calling her a cow. 

Kel's smile was a little shaky and forced as she peered at her distorted reflection in the stream. Some of these memories were still painful. 

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I never thought I looked like a cow, but I certainly believed that I would never get married – but that was because I didn't want to marry – I was going to be a Lady Knight. 

My reflection hasn't changed much since then. Same hazel eyes. Same short brown hair. Same determined jaw. Sometimes I think that the only thing that has changed outwardly (besides my height) is the number of scars I have. One look at my hands and you would never mistake me for some fragile noble lady. 

When I look back on my decision to become a Knight, I realize that I wouldn't change a thing. Never will I regret being what I am, or wish that I had gone to a convent to become a bride for some fusty old Lord. I would have been miserable in such a life…but…sometimes I wish that some of my friends would look at me the way they look at the court ladies. When they see me, all they see is Kel – one of the guys. I don't know what I want any more. I'm so confused. I'm just so tired of being lonely.

With a small sigh, Kel took one last look at the stream and headed back inside, calling for Tobe to come and help get dinner.

Ok nice people, you know the drill: press the little button right there…you see it? Good. Now press it and give me your opinion. Good? Bad? Terrible? Should be burnt/locked up and the key thrown away/torn into little tiny pieces and thrown to the four winds? Comments, flames…I don't care. Just review, please? For the sake of my rather unstable sanity? Come on, be nice and help me out here…

~ Erm ~


	4. Corus: May 7, 461

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Disclaimer: yes, we know, I own NOTHING. All characters except for Darryn are not mine.

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A/N: Thank you all for reviewing that did…you've made me one very happy penguin. Thank you also to Csporty128 (AKA MusicMagelet) for her help with the formatting…as you can see, I finally got it to work right. (yay) 

Kel's Diary is in_ italics._

Flashbacks are in **bold**.

Kel's thoughts while in flashbacks are **_bold italic_**.

Everything else is just normal.

(hope that wasn't too confusing.) 

I'm not fickle…am I? 

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Corus: May 7, 461

After many long days in the saddle , we're finally here. Tobe and I rode through the main gates of Corus just as the sun set. The fiery light made the city glow. It was so beautiful and it's so wonderful to be home.

Tobe was so happy to get here, and so curious. He's never been anywhere like this. He'd only ever been in that village, Queensgrace, before I met him, and since then has only seen forts and army camps—never anything like Corus. Someday I'll take him to Port Caynn If his eyes bugged out here I'd like to see the look on his face when he gets a look at that city.

Kel smiled, remembering:

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The sun's last rays peeked over the tree tops, illuminating the whole city for a brief second longer before slowly fading. Tobe stared at the sight before him, awed. His eyes wandered through the great markets to rest on the palace in all its magnificence. 

He pointed to it. "That's where we're going, milady?" he asked incredulously.

Kel gazed fondly at the place she now called home and nodded.

Toby whistled appreciatively, then grimaced as his stomach loudly protested the lack of dinner. "They will feed us there, won't they?" he pleaded.

Kel grinned down at him and led Peachblossom down the hill into the city.

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We put Peachblossom in the stables and all but tossed our bags on the floor of my old room before Tobe tried to drag me down to the mess hall (that I had pointed out to him on the way in). Note to self: never get between that boy and his food!

All kidding aside, though, it is good to be back, to be able to eat with familiar faces that I haven't seen since we went North. But the old mess hall is changed, somehow. Far too many empty chairs and empty tables. This will take some getting used to.

Kel put down her quill for a moment and closed her eyes.

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Kel finally gave in to Tobe's persistent tugging and let him lead her back to the mess hall. She peered around the room until she saw Neal and Yuki sitting together at one of the far tables. 

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Oooooh. This is just too good to pass up.

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Catching Neal's eye she put a finger to her lips and motioned at Yuki who was sitting with her back to Kel. Neal gave an almost imperceptible nod to say he understood. Cautioning Tobe to be silent, Kel snuck over to their table. Standing right behind Yuki, she said loudly, "Well I suppose some things never change."

Yuki spun around and jumped up to hug her friend, yelling, "You're back!!" Stepping back, she swatted Kel lightly on the arm and glared at her. "Never do that to me again!"

Kel grinned. _Yuki is becoming less like a Yamani every time I see her._

Tobe tugged on the hem of her tunic and looked up at her with pleading eyes.

"Alright, alright. We can go get _food_ now," Kel grumbled. Tobe grinned impishly and dragged her away to the serving line.

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I ate supper with Neal and Yuki. Lord Wyldon and Owen haven't returned from the North yet, and neither have Raoul and the Own. Neal said that Buri got so fed up with waiting for Raoul to come home that she left a week ago to go drag him back. They should be here before the next week is out.

Neal was amazed at the way Tobe was eating. It was so funny to watch his face.

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Neal watched the boy, fascinated, as Tobe ate single-mindedly, digging his way methodically through his second bowl of stew. "Hungry are you?" Neal asked. The boy nodded, not even looking up or disrupting the rhythm of his movements. Yuki reached over and picked her husband's jaw off the table. Neal looked up and stared at Yuki and Kel. The two women looked at each other and said at the same time, "Eat your vegetables, Neal." Neal scowled. Kel and Yuki burst into laughter at his expression.

Suddenly a stranger walked into the hall. Only Kel seemed startled by his appearance. She poked Yuki and asked, "Who's he?" tilting her head in the direction of the tall blond man as he made his way toward the serving line.

Yuki followed her gaze. "Him? He's the visiting diplomat from Tyra—a baron by the name of Darryn. (A/N: see? Darryn's here! Yay. I was going to have him be from Maren…but "Baron Darryn of Maren" was just too funny. I couldn't inflict my only original character with a name like that.)

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Kel watched him go and sit down at one of the emptier tables. _Darryn, hmmm? He's pretty cute. Gah! What am I thinking? Mithros help me._ Kel shuddered and went back to eating.

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Even with my poor innocent wrist being pulled out by a ravenous Tobe, it really is great to be home.

Wow that was long. Be nice to the poor little penguin's tired fingers and review, ok? Oh yeah, and if anybody recognized the line, "empty chairs at empty tables" as being from Les Miserables, they were right…its not mine either. Well…I think that's it….please review! 

~ Erm the Penguin ~


	5. Corus: May 8, 461

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A/N: Hey guys! I'm baaaaack!!! Didja miss me? Well….seeing as I've only been gone a week without updating…I suppose….it could have been worse…right? Right? *looks shamefacedly at her audience* Oh dear. I'm sorry. I had school…bad excuse, I know…but…its true…I had no time to write a new chapter. Please forgive me? Maybe the fact that I've finally updated and you have a new chapter to read will redeem myself in your eyes. ^__^ Right? 

Alright. Down to business: not only have I got yet another chapter of IMFAI up the humble penguin asks you to kindly read my other work of insanity, (which, incidentally, is the reason why I didn't get this chapter out sooner) called Harry Potter and the Twilight Zone. It's a cross-over between Harry Potter and Tamora Pierce, involving only the characters, not the setting. Just do me a huge favor and read it and tell me if it's worth continuing, ok? Thanks muchly. Oh yeah, and thank you soooo much for all the reviews! I was hoping for maybe eight…or nine…but _fourteen_….wow. I feel so loved!

…and now….on with the show!

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Disclaimer: as usual, I own nothing. The only character imagined up by this humble penguin is Darryn…everybody else belongs to the wonderful, creative, Tamora Pierce….so don't sue me and deprive the poor penguin of her igloo, which is all she owns, ok? ^__^ 

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A/N: oh yeah, one more thing, before I forget and confuse you all horribly…the formatting is the same as the last chapter…_italics_ are Kel's diary, **bold** is flashbacks, **_bold italics_** are Kel's thoughts within a flashback, and regular print is…well…what it looks like…regular. Enjoy!

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May 8, 461

Hmmmmm. This Darryn fellow certainly seems interesting. I kept running into him all day.

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The day dawned bright and sunny. _A perfect day for getting my archery skills back_, Kel thought on her way back from a very early breakfast. She changed quickly into comfortable clothes and headed to the outdoor practice courts. Selecting a bow, she strung it, and hopped toward one of the targets, limbering up and getting ready to shot. To her immense surprise, there was already someone there. In the shadows at the far end of the practice courts, a tall man shot arrow after arrow straight to the center of the target. With an air of satisfaction, he walked to collect his arrows and exited the court, leaving Kel with her jaw hanging in shock. 

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Was that…Darryn? How strange. What happened to the quiet, composed stranger from dinner last night? Well...he was still quiet…he didn't even say hello to me…but then, maybe he didn't see me. And…he was certainly composed…I suppose…so confident. I haven't seen someone that good at archery in a while. And he didn't seem to put any effort into it at all. How odd.

Still thinking about the mysterious blonde man, Kel swung her bow up and let her first arrow fly, then another and another till her quiver was empty. Startled when no arrow met her seeking hand, she looked down and realized that she had already used up all of her arrows. Sighing, she walked to the target to retrieve them and grimaced. Not one of her arrows had pierced the center. Frustrated, she yanked the offending shafts from the ring and marched back to her bow. Banishing all thoughts off Darryn from her mind, she raised the bow again and gritted her teeth.

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This time, concentrate, Kel! she ordered herself, and loosed the arrow again. 

An hour later, she trudged up the hill to the Palace, satisfied at last with her performance. _Its amazing what two short weeks of no fighting can do to your skills_. She thought pensively. _Or maybe it was just my lack of concentration. After all, I'm not really sore or anything…_

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After I got in from practicing my archery, I visited with Neal and Yuki, passing Darryn in the hallway on the way there. We got caught up on all that has happened since Neal left New Hope. Then, we all went to the practice courts where Yuki and I started teaching Tobe how to use a glaive. Neal just sat and watched and smiled smugly at us until Yuki got fed up with him and challenged him to a sparring match. The look on his face was priceless. His smirk vanished and he announced that he'd just remembered that he'd promised to go and see his father. Neal nearly ran, he walked so fast out the door. It was a long time before the three of us had calmed down enough to continue with our practice.

After I had a quick bite for lunch, I decided to go down into the city to visit Lalasa. It was such a nice day that I resolved not to ride Peachblossom. So, I slipped out the gates and walked. My day was going really well, and then I had to go and bump into him… 

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Kel walked through the city toward Lalasa's with a bounce in her step. Suddenly, she spotted the same tall blonde figure from the archery court that morning strolling toward her. He smiled and introduced himself as Darryn of Tyra. Kel smiled politely and bowed back at him, saying that it was good to meet him but she had an appointment and had to go. Bowing again, she walked quickly on toward Lalasa's. Darryn was puzzled by this reaction, but waved it away and continued up the hill to the Palace.

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There is something seriously wrong with me. I'm so tired of being lonely, but whenever I'm around guys, even guys that I've known for a long time, who I like and respect, the wall goes up and I get all defensive. They have hurt me before and I'm not about to give them a second chance. So I hide behind my Yamani mask and turn to stone whenever I'm around them…especially ones that I'm attracted to…

Kel stared at the page she had just finished while silent, bitter tears streaked down her face. 

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Sometimes I really hate myself.

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A/N: *sigh* well…that's chapter five done. Sorry it's so short. I'm trying to make them longer…really I am….its just….when I write them out in my note book…they're five and six or even seven pages long…and then I type them and suddenly they're only two and a half or three if I'm really lucky. 

That was depressing. I really hate to make her sound so…depressed…but she _is_. I'm sorry. Could you tell…I was listening to _Les Miserables_ while I was writing this…and that was a pretty depressing story itself! Oh well…tell me what you thought of this part….and please do read my other sad attempt at a story. ^__^ Review!!!! 

~ Erm the Penguin ~ 


	6. Corus: May 14, 461

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A/N: Hey people! I'm back, again…and it hasn't even been a week yet! Isn't this great? Oh well…some of you thought that Kel was very OOC in the last chapter…with her crying and all…I'm sorry…but that's just the way I'm writing her, ok? Anyways…here's my next chapter…and Dom's here!!! Joy. Rapture. I think its time to celebrate. Enjoy!

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Disclaimer: I Own Nothing. Remember that now.

Kel's diary is in _italics._

Flashbacks are **bold.**

Thoughts while in flashbacks are **_bold italics._**

Everything else is just normal.

Got that? 

Good. 

Chapter 6: The Return of Dom

(_cue the_ _fanfare!!)_

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May 14, 461

Mithros, what am I going to do? Third Company of the Kings Own rode into Corus yesterday. I've missed Dom so much—his sense of humor, his smile…Goddess help me—I did not just say that. I hadn't had much of a chance to really talk to him in so many months, I had almost gotten accustomed to having him not there…and now he's back. When they rode into the courtyard that afternoon, I was there visiting Peachblossom and Dom waved and gave me that grin of his…and my heart gave this big flop. Bad heart. Stop doing that. He's not interested in me, anyway—never was and never will be. There's no point in getting a crush on him again…and I'd thought I was over him, too.

But that wasn't the worst thing that happened today—what happened at dinner was the worst. Over the last couple of days I've seen a lot of Darryn…we still haven't really had a decent conversation…but…without actually talking to him I've learned a lot about his personality…and he really is a great guy. The horrible thing happened while we were eating in the mess hall—Neal, Yuki, Tobe and myself—when Dom strolled in and sat down with us with that grin of his again. My evil heart flip-flopped (again) no matter what I had told it earlier…it evidently doesn't listen very well—since it disobeyed me and went flop again. Stupid heart of mine. I refuse to get a crush on him again. I'm done with crushes, boys, and all that goes with them. A few minutes later, Darryn walked in and my stupid heart had the audacity to go flop over him, too! Gods, is it really possible to have a crush on more than one person at the same time or is there really something wrong with me?

Now I understand how Neal used to be before he met Yuki—going from being hopelessly in love and despairing over one girl one week and then the next time we'd ask, he'd be completely over her and on to the next girl. It was funny, sometimes, to watch him. Now that I'm living it…it doesn't seem too funny any more. Oh Goddess—tell me I haven't gotten as fickle as Neal was!

Sometimes I wish I didn't just pretend to be stone—but that I really was stone—stones don't have to deal with emotions or feelings going riot inside them. It would be nice not to feel anything at all. Just nice, quiet, nothingness. The only cure I can think of for myself is to completely ignore Darryn and Dom and go on with my life. Yes. That will work. I'll just immerse myself in practice and Tobe…and just…forget all about them…It can't be that hard…can it?

Kel sighed and carefully put her diary away in the cupboard and left to go put her plan in action.

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Hmmmm…now…where do I want to go where neither Darryn nor Dom would be? Wait! No. I'm not avoiding them…just ignoring them. There's a difference. Ok…so I don't need to think about them. Even better…now…where to go? I think I'll go visit Peachblossom…maybe take him out for a couple of passes on the quintain or something. Her internal discussion over, Kel smiled again and walked briskly toward the stables. She was so absorbed in brushing Peachblossom and putting his tack on that she didn't even notice when two people entered the stable. Only when they were getting close to the stall that she was occupying did she hear their voices. Her head snapped up and she listened to their conversation.

"…you _know_ its good to be home, Neal, so why bother asking?" declared one voice while the other chuckled at him. 

Kel froze. She knew those voices. Pressing close to Peachblossom's side and ducking her head to stay out of view she prayed that they wouldn't notice her. _I'm not here. I don't exist. You don't see me. There's nothing of interest whatsoever in this stall… I'm not here…I'm not here…_she said over and over again. So absorbed was she in this mental recital that she didn't realize that the voices outside had paused. The stall door swung open to reveal Neal and his cousin. They both gaped at the girl who was crouched by her horse, her eyes clenched tightly shut and muttering something over and over under her breath.

Finally, Dom broke the silence, "Uh…hi, Kel!" he said softly so as to not startle her. "We didn't know you were in here."

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Shit. Kel opened her eyes and turned around. "Oh…hello Dom, Neal. Nice day, isn't it? Well, I'd best be going. Wouldn't want Peachblossom to bite anyone, would we?" she said quickly, leading her horse out of the stables. 

"Kel….wait…" Dom started, grabbing her shoulder. She tensed, her body going rigid as she waited for him to let go. _So much for ignoring him_. "Are you okay? You don't seem to be…well…yourself today."

"Yeah, I'm fine, Dom. Don't worry about me," she said, looking at the ground. Thinking that this signaled the end of the conversation and that she was free to go, she turned to leave, but the same hand held her back.

"Say that to my face, Kel," commanded Dom.

She looked up, flinching at the hard look in his blue eyes. Taking a deep breath, she repeated, "I'm _fine_, Dom. Now leave me alone." Before anybody else could stop her, she turned on her heel and marched quickly out of the stables, Peachblossom turning around to give one rapid lunge at Neal, his favorite snack, before being tugged away. 

The cousins looked at each other, and then back at the empty stable door. There was definitely something wrong, but what it was, exactly, neither could say. Quietly, they vowed to get to the bottom of whatever was bothering Kel, one way or another.

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A/N: Tada! I'm finished with this part. I wasn't sure if I should stop here or not…but since I wanted to get this chapter out…and I really have NO clue what I'm going to do next…AND because I happen to LOVE cliff hangers…(and torturing readers)…I stopped here. Ok…usual request: what did you think? Good/Bad/Terrible/Fit Only For Burning/Reader Was Killed By This Chapter & Can Not Review….you know…one of those…. ^__^ Sorry its so short. I really am trying to make them longer. I kinda like short chapters, though…how's this…when you review…tell me whether you'd like shorter chapters more frequently…or would you be willing to wait two weeks or so between updates and have longer chapters? 

Also: thanks very very much to Mea (aka The Flirt) for reading this chapter before I posted it…and for the comments and offer of herself as basis of a character's personality/conversations. What would I do without you?

One last request…PLEASE read my other story….Harry Potter and the Twilight Zone and tell me if it's worth continuing…because frankly…I won't write any more unless _somebody_ out there reads it and tells me that it _isn't_ pointless…and stupid….and not worth reading….heck...I don't care if you FLAME me….just give me some kind of indication that you _read_ the darn thing, ok? Thanks!

Review!!! The Penguin begs you! 

~ Erm the Penguin ~


	7. Corus: August 12, 461

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Hi everybody!! I'm back again, climbing out of my endless mound of summer homework to write a short little chapter because I had a sudden burst of inspiration ^__^ and was afraid that if I didn't write it out I would forget and then I'd _never_ get another chapter out. So…here I am! Freshly back from vacation (on which we saw way too many buffalo and not enough trees)…fun huh? Well…I honestly can't think of anything else to say at the moment, so…just go ahead and read it. 

Disclaimer: The great, wise, and noble Tamora Pierce owns everything. All I own is Darryn and the plot (at least…I think I own the plot…I hope I do…). Yeah…so don't sue me. You won't get anything. Please don't repossess my igloo!!! It's all I own, really!

Chapter 7: Kel Does Something Stupid

Corus: August 12, 461

I'm back…well…I can't honestly say that because I never really left, if you take my meaning, but since I haven't felt the need to write anything in particular for so long I felt like making some sort of comment about it. The reason for my sudden reappearance is…well…its kind of embarrassing…but I needed to get it out of my system, and simply riding Peachblossom at the quintain twenty times and then beating the head off of the dummy in the practice courts haven't done anything for my mental state. If I still feel horrid after this I think I'll do a few pattern dances with my glaive. Hopefully by then I will have passed out from sheer exhaustion and will not have to think about my immense stupidity any longer. (Hopefully.) Although, I might not be able to do that when I'm finished with this either, since its been quite a while since midnight passed, and I don't believe that my neighbors would take kindly to me waking them up in the middle of the night. Oh well. I'll just have to be very, very quiet then, won't I?

Can you tell I'm avoiding what I was here to write in the first place? Yes…it really is that embarrassing, and horrible, and oh I'm such an idiot. Don't you deny it—you know its true! But first (and yes, I'm still avoiding talking about it, but there's a reason now…a good reason, really…) you have to get a little background information to be able to understand what's going on. You see, Darryn went back to Tyra in June…and I haven't seen (or thought of) him since then. Sad, isn't it? I never really knew him anyway…we hardly ever saw each other and when we did, we didn't have any real conversations so I never got to know him. And that's where the problem is. I only liked him (I think) because of his looks (something I have promised myself never to do again—it only leads to trouble). I have no idea whether or not he has a sense of humor, if he has any brothers or sisters, what life is like where he lives…none of that. 

Ok, so what about Dom, you ask? Funny you'd ask that, really… In the last couple of months we have gotten to be pretty good friends…even better than we had been when I was just Lord Raoul's squire. A few days after I last wrote, Neal and Dom began taking action according to some "plan" they had to, to quote Neal "get me out of this weird mood I've been in ever since before we came home." I didn't know I was acting that strangely. Either way, it seems to have worked because I was a lot happier with my lot in life after they started meddling. I don't hole up in the stables or at the archery courts anymore…and if I do…I'm not alone there. Dom has a lot of free time all of a sudden, and he doesn't mind going for rides to keep Peachblossom from getting too frustrated with anybody that comes within biting distance. We have these great conversations almost every day—we talk about the strangest things, you have no idea. One day we even got into a huge argument (he calls it a "discussion" ha!) about which of these two colors was better. Sigh. I catch myself at odd moments fantasizing about what could be someday in the future…and then I slap myself to try and snap out of it. Doesn't work. 

Ok…so what's wrong then? Sounds like everything's going great, right? Well…that's where everything went wrong. The other day, we were walking across the courtyard, heading in from the stables. We weren't even talking…just walking along in a companionable silence. And then I go and (yes, this is the part where I'm an idiot) say something in Yamani under my breath…he wasn't supposed to hear me…but he did, and asked me what I'd said…(you want to know what I said, too, don't you? Oh phooey. I said, uh…well…it doesn't matter what the exact word I used was…but it means…um…cough…I love you…cough.) Horrible, right? Yeah. Well…I refused to tell him what it meant (of course! Did you honestly think I'd be that stupid?) So he stopped bugging me about it, but remembered what I'd said and went to ask his wonderful cousin Meathead's wife. (Yuki, knowing nothing about what this was all about, told him, of course. Help!) The next day, he said he knew what I'd said, and then ran over to Lord Raoul (he had been summoned, but he could have waited for me to say something at least) before I could get my poor little mind functioning enough to say anything. So now we're back to the whole Kel is avoiding talking to anyone (especially a certain Sergeant) because she's too embarrassed and shy and doesn't know what to say if she starts talking to the aforementioned member of the Kings Own. Goddess help me, I don't know what I'm going to do about this! And everything had been going so well, too. If he approaches me and decides to start talking, what am I supposed to say? "Oh, yeah, I meant what I said, what about you?" I don't think so! 

Mithros! Oh well…I think I'll head over to Lalasa's shop tomorrow or the next day (just as soon as I have free time and am able to sneak out of the palace without certain…people…noticing me. She's always been better at this woman stuff than I have, maybe she'll have some advice for me. And then again, maybe she won't and I'll just wallow in my self disgust and pity forever…(no, I wouldn't really do that…you know that…I'm not that kind of person. I don't wallow. I go out and I hit something. Yes, that's what I'll do. Maybe Neal will feel like collecting just a few more punches off of me after all…but then he'll notice that something's wrong and will pester me (he's very good at that, you know) until I tell him the whole story, and then he'll take it upon himself to talk to Dom and straighten things out…I'm not sure I want that to happen. Oh well. I'm sure I'll feel better about the whole thing in the morning. (I hope) I don't think things could get any better at this time of night anyway…I think I heard the second bell after midnight a little while ago. I don't think I've ever stayed up this late. Looking at the number of candles I've burned, I think I know why now.

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*Smiles* **Was it worth the wait? (Personally I don't think so, but…I want your opinion…so…yeah) I'm sorry any of you who really liked Darryn (I don't know why you would…I mean jeez… Dom… right there… no competition!) … but he won't be coming back. He's gone…he served his purpose and will now go to the happy place where all those characters go when they aren't needed any more. Note to self: never write author's notes at two in the morning…you say the stupidest things. Well… I still want to know what you think… I'm afraid there isn't much left in this story… I've thought up my ending (finally!!) and I think it should only last another chapter or two at the most. (everybody applaud!! I'm finally going to finish it…maybe I'll even be done before school starts!!) Anyway, this chapter was dedicated to Ernie, the king of the weasel Mafia, for making me laugh 24/7 and for being the inspiration that made me write another chapter out of the blue. ^__^ And now I'm off to my comfy little beddy-bye… I'd just like to wish all of you who are stuck (and sinking) in the same boat as me with all of the demonic summer homework to finish in a very short amount of time. Well…at least the mass insanity and chaos caused by all of this work might make me crazy enough to want to write up another chapter very soon! (right?) well… goodnight all…and just do me a little, itty-bitty, teensy-weensy favor and review, ok? If you do, you just made my night…err…morning? Yeah… Toodles!!!**

~ Erm the Penguin ~


	8. Corus: August 13, 461

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Would you look at that? Two chapters up in the same day!! (You can't count the last one as yesterday because I wrote and posted it this morning!! … yes it was this morning…after midnight counts as "this morning" right? Yeah.) Actually, the only reason I'm getting this one out right now is because my evil sister took over the Internet and won't get off because she's "talking" to people, even though she isn't at the computer right now! Ugh. Evil computer hog. So…here we are! I'm just sitting here staring at this sad little computer screen, wishing I could be online…but since I can't…this is the next best thing (right???) Ah! My pop-tart! It's gone! I need to go get another one. Can't write without munchies, right? Two most important things: munchies and music… ^__^ can't do anything without music…so I'll pop the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge in and grab another pop-tart because it seems to have gotten up and run away without me noticing. Those pop-tarts. Sheish. Ah, yes, and this chapter, again, is dedicated to Ernie (ERNESTO!!) …ignore that, ok? … also dedicated to Pinkerton, who is my friend's pet waffle. (the name of the above waffle is owned by my evil devil sister and my friend Stevo the Magnificent…so please don't steal it…you won't like the consequences, I promise.) And now…on with the show!!!

Just a little side note (now that it is the next day and I haven't been able to post it because I couldn't get onto ff.net _all day_ …how frustrating) I would like to thank my 30+ reviewers (thank you thank you thank you!!!) I can't believe I got 30! Wow. Anyway, one of the most recent ones caught me on a little mistake…(guess I didn't know the books as well as I'd thought) Turns out that Tyra is a merchant republic and so would not have barons. Oh well. My mistake. (me bad) So what do you think? Should we make poor Darryn (who isn't even going to show up in the story anymore) have to suffer the name of "Baron Darryn of Maren" … or should we just rescind his baronly title and make him just a foreign diplomat type? And does it even matter since he isn't here any more? These, and other questions will be answered in the next episode of _The Twilight Zone_ (j/k) ^__^ Anyways: enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything…I don't own the characters, I don't own the setting, I definitely don't own Pinkerton…the only thing that is remotely mine is the plot…so don't steal it.

~ Rather than make this really confusing (like my last couple of chapters) the formatting is as follows: Kel's diary (or thoughts) is in italics and everything else (flashbacks included) will be regular. Simplicity is awesome, isn't it? ~

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Chapter 8: All Is Well 

__

August 13, 461

Maybe everything isn't as ruined as I'd thought it would be. I woke up unusually irritable (which makes sense, from my point of view, seeing as I got much less sleep than I usually do and the fact that I believed that I had just ruined everything). After exercising and doing a short pattern dance that I didn't get to do last night (err…this morning??) I went down to the practice courts to take a few runs at the quintain again before going to the city to see Lalasa… although… I never did get that far. I had just finished my second or third run at the ring target when who should pass by but Meathead, my best friend and finder out of secrets, Sir Nealan of Queenscove (commonly known as Neal or the aforementioned Meathead). He, of course, knew something was wrong…

He walked into the courtyard by the stables. _There she was, charging on that monstrosity of an animal … I mean that wonderful little horsie_, thought Neal to himself, unconsciously sticking his hands in his pockets to protect them. He had come out here looking for her, since neither she nor Dom had shown up for breakfast in the mess hall. He was worried about her. The woman on the horse jammed her lance through the ring at the end of the field and turned around. She spotted the tall figure sitting on the fence and led Peachblossom over setting her mask on her face. Upon seeing the carefully blank look she wore, Neal winced. This was worse than he thought.

"Hey Kel, missed you at breakfast this morning. Is something wrong?"

__

Oh boy, here comes the grand Inquisition. "No, everything's just fine, Neal. Should something be wrong?" she asked, attempting to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

"Alright, you can say that as many times as you want, but I _know_ something's wrong. You have your Yamani look on."

"Oh." Kel thought for a minute or two. It was obvious that he wouldn't be leaving her alone until he had found out what was wrong, and if she tried to think up something to tell him, he'd spot the lie far too easily. _He's known me too long. I guess I can't get out of telling, so I might as well make this as painless as possible. _And so Kel gave in and told Neal everything. 

"…and so now he knows and nothing will ever be the same again!" finished Kel miserably. 

"Not to mention that you're avoiding him confronting you about it by sneaking around and hiding out here all by yourself," Neal countered with a know-it-all look firmly affixed to his face.

"Yeah, that too," conceded Kel, looking glummer by the minute. "What would you have done in this situation?"

"Well, hypothetically, I'd leave it alone for a little while…wouldn't bring it up and just act normally."

"Um…were you "hypothetically" being him or me?"

"You…I think."

"Oh. I was kind of asking what you think his reaction to all of this would be."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

They sat on the fence in silence for a couple of minutes. Finally tired of waiting for him to respond, Kel poked Neal in the arm. "You were supposed to be saying something," she reminded him.

The green eyed man jumped a bit, startled out of his reverie. "What was I supposed to be commenting on again?" he inquired with a sheepish grin. 

Keladry sighed in exasperation. "what do you think Dom's reaction to all this is?"

"Oh."

…

Silence (again).

…

"Well???"

"Well, um…I think he's a little shocked by everything and could use a moment to figure things out," Neal said finally. 

"Oh…"

"But that doesn't mean you should avoid him…talk to him like normal…but just don't bring that up quite yet. If anything, I'd wait till he says something…which he'd better."

"But Neal, what if he decides to just ignore that this ever happened and go on with things as usual? I am so stupid. I should never have said anything. Who do I think I am anyway? I mean, I can't flirt, there's no reason why he'd like me back anyway…Oh I'm such an idi—"

"Kel," Neal interrupted her tirade rather forcefully. "First of all, you are not an idiot. You are the most the most intelligent and capable person that I know, so you can stop calling yourself that. Secondly you can too flirt—"

"No I can't."

"Yes you can," Neal sighed. "Lastly, Dom will do something in response to all of this, I'm going to talk to him about it."

"No! You can't!" Kel cried. "Wouldn't that just confuse things further? He doesn't like me anyway." 

"Kel," he said gently, "anybody would like you…and my cousin is an idiot if he hasn't realized it yet." He got off the fence rail they'd been sitting on and headed back toward the palace. Turning around, he yelled back at her, "Now stop avoiding everyone!"

…later that day…

Kel was grooming Peachblossom after her post-dinner ride through the Royal Forest, when who should enter the stable but Meathead and his cousin. She was almost positive that Neal knew she was in here and wanted her to hear this, so she kept quiet. (that and the fact that she really didn't want to face Dom right then) The cousins stopped a few stalls away to give Neal's horse an apple or two, and Kel was able to hear their entire conversation.

"So, Dom," Neal began, "what's with Kel lately? She's been acting very odd."

Dom chuckled. "She certainly has been. We had a little…incident…lets call it…the other day…and she's been avoiding me ever since."

Neal nodded. "Oh good, I was hoping you'd noticed all that, too. I talked to Kel about it today, actually. She's calling herself an idiot, which got us into a bit of an argument because she's extremely smart. She claims she can't flirt either, and I'll admit, she's not the best, but…"

"She does a pretty good job of it though."

"Yeah. So I'm not the only one who knows she can flirt! She's just shy, and unsure of herself…really all she needs is a little more confidence."

"Hmmm."

They stood by Neal's horse in silence for a little while, and then Neal asked, "So do you like Kel at all?"

"Yeah I like her."

Neal chose to ignore the little gasp he heard from a few stalls over. "… 'like' as in what?"

"Huh?" asked Dom, startled by the question.

"Oh, you know what I mean…as in, if she was available, would you court her?"

"Well…yeah, it's a possibility…" he trailed off as a bell rang, signaling the seventh hour. "Mithros! I was supposed to meet Raoul! I'll talk to you over breakfast tomorrow," he yelled over his shoulder as he dashed out the door.

Neal grinned to himself as he followed his cousin at a more sedate pace.

__

So Neal talked to Dom about it, and his responses were very…encouraging. I still don't know what to say to him when I talk to him next, but I'll definitely stop avoiding him. Perhaps Neal's advice is the best, and I should just let him bring it up when he's ready to talk about it. Yes. That will keep everything from being far too awkward. Its odd…I swear I saw Neal wink as he left the stables tonight. Sometimes he's just too much.

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Well…hope you all appreciate my lack of sleep in getting this out…I could have just waited till tomorrow morning…but, oh well. Who needs sleep anyway? But do me a favor and tell me if the sleep loss was in vain or not…really, I want your opinion. Even though I think I'll be ending this very, very soon…but I still need to know what you think. I don't think 45 reviews total for a nine or ten chapter story is asking too much…and you only have eleven left to reach that too! Do you think we can make it? (Please oh please?) Review!!!

Oh yeah, and I do realize that this story makes Kel very OOC…but its mainly her diary, right? And I've always thought that in a diary people let out thoughts and emotions that people don't normally see…so in that context, her actions make perfect sense…well…sort of…

~ Erm the Penguin ~


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